[adult and child graphic] FAMILY RESILIENCY: STRATEGIES 101

COMMUNICATION

Positive and negative communication patterns exist in all families. The higher the quality of communication, the higher the level of satisfaction with overall family functioning. Positive communication is a tool to develop resiliency.

ACTIVE LISTENING

[ear graphic]Humans are designed to be good listeners; that's why we have two ears and one mouth. Unfortunately, many of us don't use this gift well. We may hear but we don't listen. Active listening is a learned skill. Active listening lets others know that not only do you hear their words, but you are interested in them and involved in what is being said. Active listening uses verbal and non-verbal techniques. Active listening is hard work.

Verbal techniques:

  1. Be encouraging . Use a positive tone of voice - the wrong tone will cancel the right words.
  2. Restate what you hear - let the person know you grasp the facts. Avoid mindless echoing.
  3. Reflect emotions - let the person know you understand by restating their feelings
  4. Summarize - pull important facts together and establish a basis for further discussion.

Non-Verbal techniques

  1. Make eye contact
  2. Allow for comfortable silences
  3. Look interested, avoid facial expressions that show disapproval, boredom, etc.
  4. Show interest with your body language. For example, lean toward the person to convey involvement.

Adapted from: Self-help Network of Kansas

Communication Blockers

Blockers impede effective communication by turning off the listener. Generally speaking try to avoid labeling people, sarcasm, dragging up the past, making negative comparisons, sending judgmental "you" messages and making threats.

Here are some common communication blockers:

  • Ordering, demanding - Sit down now and talk to me
  • Threatening - "If you don't shape up, everything will be ruined".
  • Preaching - "You should talk to your husband, tell him how you feel."
  • Advising - "I think the best thing to do is move to a different house."
  • Lecturing - "When I was a kid I obeyed my parents. Kids today have no manners."
  • Being judgmental - "How could you do such a thing? Are you stupid?"
  • Blaming, ridiculing - "You're such a fool. Only a jerk would feel that way."
  • Patronizing - "You poor thing, I know just how you feel.
  • Giving hollow reassurances - Don't worry. It'll be fine I'm sure."
  • Interrogating - "Why did you do that, what were you thinking?"
  • Diverting - "Enough of that, how about lunch?"
  • Interpreting - "You're saying that because you're angry at your brother"
  • Being sarcastic - "I just love to cry and be sad. Doesn't everyone?"
  • Trivializing - "Everyone feels that way. No big deal."
  • Stereotyping - "How come women always talk so much?"

Adapted from: Dr. Gary Olson, Police Psychologist, Palo Alto, CA