[graphic of little stick figures with tools]PROBLEM SOLVING TECHNIQUES AND FAMILY MEETINGS

How your family solves problems depends in part on the way family members view the situation and how well they are equipped to deal with the event. Using a problem solving model will help turn family meetings from gripe sessions to effective communication.

Family Problem Solving

Step 1. Identify and define the conflict or problem

  • Pick a time when everyone has time to talk
  • State clearly there is a problem that must be solved. Use I messages to convey your feelings
  • Avoid "you" messages that put down or blame each other
  • Use active listening to elicit everyone's view of the problem
  • Explain that you want to find a mutually acceptable solution

Step 2. Generate possible solutions - brainstorm

  • Get children's solutions first. (Young kids may not come up with anything, but keep asking; it helps develop their thinking and shows you value their contribution.)
  • Brainstorm freely. Go for variety and quantity. Keep going until all ideas are on the table.
  • Accept all solutions without judgment. Evaluation comes later. No one should say "That won't work", "That's not acceptable" , "We tried that"etc.
  • Encourage everyone to contribute; both parents, all children. Valuing your kids' input improves their self-esteem and produces a lot of good ideas that would never occur to parents
  • Write all solutions down so you can remember them

Step 3. Evaluate solutions

  • Examine the list and eliminate ideas that are crazy, dangerous, too expensive, impossible to achieve or maintain and so on.

Step 4. Pick the best solution

  • The best solution is the one that is most acceptable to you and your kids. The key is ACCEPTABILITY. There is no one correct solution. The same problem will have different best solutions in different families Keep testing the remaining solutions against your kids' feelings. Makesure that no one is being railroaded into acceptance. Point out that the chosen solution may not be final. The goal is to try it for a while and see if it works.
  • Make certain everyone understands that by accepting the solution they are taking responsibility for carrying it out and making it work. This will motivate kids and make any agreement easier to enforce. Identify contingencies. What happens if someone breaks the agreement? Is there a penalty? Loss of privileges? Another problem solving session etc. Discuss penalties in a matter of fact way: penalties are the consequences of choosing not to carry out the agreed-on solution. This lets kids know the cost of breaking an agreement and they can weigh their choices in an adult manner.

Step 5. Implement the Decision

  • Agree on who is to do what, when, where, how and under what conditions.
  • What are the standards to measure success? Is there a time limit to the agreement? A way to end the trial period?
  • Do it

Step 6. Evaluate Results:

Not all solutions work well. Check from time to time that you and the kids are happy with how the solution is working. Circumstances may change. If your solution needs to be scrapped or changed, return to step 2, the brain storming step.

Adapted from Messages: The Communication Skills Book (1983) New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, Ca. And from --------Visher