OWNERSHIP

[couple standing together]One of the advantages of "I" messages is that they promote clear ownership of feelings. Low ownership people are hard to deal with because they won't accept responsibility for their feelings or actions. Communication will be much more positive when all parties own their feelings. Here are three levels of ownership to look for:

Lowest level (1): A person denies/minimizes his or her feelings and blames others

"I never had a chance at being promoted. Its all politics and affirmative action."

Moderate level (2): A person talks about their feelings, but mostly in the past or future and/or minimizes, the importance and impact of these feelings.

"I was mad at losing that promotion, but I didn't really want it anyway. I only put in for it because I was asked to."

Highest level (3): A person clearly owns and identifies his or her feeling and expresses them with appropriate emotion.

"I worked hard at getting that promotion and I'm very disappointed I didn't get it. I'm going to give myself a few days to cool down and then I will need to set about finding out what I need to do to be successful next time.

Practice: Ownership

What level of ownership are the following statements?

A. I hate it when you are late for dinner and don't call. I don't know whether to eat or wait for you.

1

2

3

B. Dinner is cold. Sorry.

1

2

3

C. That crappy job of yours! Why does your Sergeant give all the heavy cases to you. Doesn't he know you have a family at home waiting for you?

1

2

3

Answers:

A. 3

B. 1

C. 1

Think about a troubling relationship you have. Could the trouble be low ownership? Does the other person take responsibility for his or her feelings, do you? You can't make another person take responsibility, but you can take responsibility for your own frustrations and send an I message about it. Or try being empathic and see if that helps. If nothing works, you may have to accept that the other person is a "low ownership" person and structure your relationship and your expectations accordingly.

Adapted from: Dr. Ellen Kirschman. (1997). I Love a Cop. Guilford Press.