A variety of the complete message is the "I Message"

"I" MESSAGES

"I" messages are important because they provide a positive avenue for communicating feelings under difficult circumstances. "I" messages have several advantages and they can be used in many different types of situations.

Advantages of using "I" messages:

  1. Helps to ease tension and conflict
  2. Reduces defensiveness
  3. Better prepares listener for feedback
  4. Fosters honest communication
  5. Assists you in defining the problem you are having and/or the message you want to send.

Ideal situations to use "I" messages

  1. When being interrupted
  2. Stressful confrontations
  3. To prevent a potential stressful interaction
  4. To give criticism

There are 3 basic parts to an "I" message:

  1. Problem Behavior: describe what behavior "bugs" you
  2. Feelings: how this problem behavior makes you feel
  3. Effects or consequences: the net result or consequences of 1 and/ or 2

Example: I feel hurt (feelings) when you cancel plans at the last minute (problem behavior) because I was left on my own and it was too late to make other plans (effects).

There are three basic types of "I" messages.

Self-disclosing: Reveals something about oneself from past, present or future. This type builds reciprocity, give & take, confirms reality and validates the normalcy of the other person's feelings. Friend talking to fretful friend who has recently been in a shooting. " I remember when I was in a shooting, I couldn't stop thinking about it and worrying I had done something wrong."

Immediacy: Immediacy relates to the here and now of your feelings about the other person and/or what's happening between the two of you.

"I'm glad you feel you can talk to me", "I get the feeling you don't want to talk to me," "You're upset and I'm scared to let you drive home right now."

Confrontational: Used to point out discrepancies between what someone says and does, or between two different things someone does. May involve questioning.

"You say you're okay, but I see tears in your eyes", "You consider yourself a coward, yet you held your ground when you wanted to run."

Practice: Constuct an "I" message

Think of a time when you said something that you regretted later because you felt it was too harsh or accusatory. Think now of how you might have gotten your point across using an "I" message.

Think of a time when you might have productively used an I message self disclosing, immediate or confrontational. Write a sentence for each situation.

Adapted from: Dr. Thomas Gordon. (1975). Parent Effectiveness Training. Peter Wyden, Inc.: New York.