WHOLE MESSAGES

[photo of couple]Generally speaking, effective communication contains four elements

  • What you see
  • What you think
  • What you feel
  • What you need

When you leave something out, the listener can feel confused and mistrustful

Practicing whole messages:

Example; Joe has to work overtime and his wife Cindy will be home alone with the kids again.

Partial message:

(In an angry sarcastic tone to cover her disappointment and frustration) - "I guess you'd rather work than be home with us"

Whole message:

Observations: You've been working a lot of overtime lately

Thoughts: It makes me wonder if you'd rather be at work instead of home with us

Feelings: I get to feeling hurt, angry and abandoned

Needs: I need a break and I need some reassurance that this is not the case. If it is, we need to talk about what is wrong.

Partial message:

(Joe in reply sounds critical and angry) "Why can't you be more understanding like other wives?"

Whole message:

Observations: I know you've been alone with the kids a lot lately

Thoughts: I thought you wanted me to make more money so we could get a newer car

Feelings: I feel frustrated because I don't seem to be able to please you

Needs: Since we can't have a new car without my working overtime, I need us to make a decision and choose which is more important, the car or my being home more.

Partial message:

(Son Max, age 10 to his mother. He looks downcast and dejected) "I hate school and I don't want to go back"

Partial message in reply:

Your job is to go to school. I don't want to hear another word about it.

Whole message in reply:

Observations: I can see you're very upset about something

Thoughts: It makes me wonder what

Feelings: I feel sad when I see that you are so unhappy

Needs: I'd like you to tell me what happened so we can talk about what to do

Practicing Whole Messages

Practice: Make a whole message out of these partial messages. Write in the first person, eg: "I see, I think"

1. "You seem like you're in a bad mood" (said in an annoyed voice by Jane whose husband Mike hasn't spoken to her since he came home from work 45 minutes ago.) What else might Jane have said to Mike?

  • Observations:
  • Thoughts:
  • Feelings:
  • Needs:

2. Sally's friend Lori has had a bad day at work. She is sad and tearful and threatening to quit her job, to which Sally replies: "We all have bad days, don't take it so personally". Can you change Sally's response for the better?

  • Observations:
  • Thoughts:
  • Feelings:
  • Needs:

3. Lynda's husband John comes home ecstatic at being transferred to the narcotics task force, a move he requested without Lynda's knowledge. When he tells Lynda about it, she says "over my dead body" and runs out of the room. What other responses could Lynda have made?

  • Observations:
  • Thoughts:
  • Feelings:
  • Needs:

4. I know I have to do my homework. That's the fourth time today you reminded me. (a 16 year old feeling over-controlled by her parents). Is this a complete message?

  • Observations:
  • Thoughts:
  • Feelings:
  • Needs:

5. I overheard you talking to Joe today about that pursuit. I didn't know about it. How come you never talk to me? (Husband to wife. He is feeling frightened by what he heard and left out something important). How could this husband express himself more thoroughly?

  • Observations:
  • Thoughts:
  • Feelings:
  • Needs:

Here are examples of whole messages for the above statements. Compare them to yours.

1. "You've been quiet since you got home. I wonder if something is wrong or if you're mad at me. When you withdraw like this I feel rejected and my feelings get hurt. I'd rather we'd sit down and talk about whatever it is."

2. "I can see you're feeling down. It seems like something is really wrong and you need some help. I m not sure I know how to help, but I want you to know that I'm concerned about you and I will support you however, I can."

3. "I can see that you are very happy with the transfer, but this is a total surprise for me. I'm angry that you didn't tell me you were putting in for this assignment. And I'm angry that my feelings were not considered. We need to work this schedule out together."

4. "You've reminded me about my homework four times today. I get the impression you think I'm a flake. I feel like a bug under a glass. I will take care of my responsibilities and If I don't, then we can talk about it."

5. "I heard you talking to Joe on the phone about that pursuit. I guess you didn't feel you could talk to me about it for some reason. I felt hurt that you didn't share it with me and I didn't like hearing about something so important by accident. It made me feel were growing apart. In the future, I would like you to include me first. If there's something you don't like about the way I respond, tell me so I can work on it."

How did you do? You can practice whole messages with a trusted friend. Draw on your own life experience. Pick something that happened between you and another person, and reconstruct the dialogue. Construct a whole message: talk about what happened or what you saw, describe your thoughts and/or conclusions. Say how it made you feel and describe what you need.

For more information about effective communication see Messages: the Communication Skills Book by Matthew Mckay, Martha Davis and Patrick Fanning. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland CA. 1983.

Thanks also to Harvey Goldstein, Ph.D. The Halen Group, Annapolis, Md.