EMPATHY EXERCISE

[group of people]Practice responding with empathy by completing the exercises below.

A. Friend to Friend

"That's it, I'm leaving. I hate my husband, he hates me and so does my mother in law. I don't know where I'm going or how I can support myself but I can't stand it one more minute and I don't care what anyone says."

Response #1

"You can't leave. You don't have any money. The holidays are coming up. You'll get over this in a few days. You're just angry."

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One.
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

Response #2

"Gosh, you sound really desperate. Can you tell me what happened?"

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

Response #3

"When my ex was acting like a jerk I used to check into a hotel and wouldn't tell him where I was. One time he called the police on me and filed a missing person's report."

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

B. Spouse to Spouse

"I'm worried about Lisa (age 14). I don't like the friends she hangs out with. Whenever I criticize them she just rolls her eyes and wont talk."

Response #1

"Don't worry. Lisa's a good kid. She has good judgement about things"

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

Response #2

"You're such a worry wart. Lets get a pizza."

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

Response #3

"I hear your frustration and your fear. Tell me exactly what worries you."

This is an example of what level of response? Circle One
Level 1
Level 2
Level 3

Answers:

A1. Level 1 - The listener is advising (without being asked for advice), warning, lecturing (you'll get over this in a few days).

A2. Level 2 - The listener mirror the speaker's emotions with a descriptive word "desperate". If she were on target, the speaker would acknowledge that with a verbal or non-verbal response. "Tell me what happened" is a direct statement that the listener is interested and involved.

A3. Level 1 - Here the listener launched into her own story, totally ignoring the speaker. Sharing experiences can often be helpful, but the timing needs to be right and the listener should avoid sounding like a know it all. A better response might be to let the speaker tell her story and then ask if it would be helpful if the listener shared a similar experience.

B1. Level 1 - The listener was probably trying to be reassuring and make the mom feel better, but she missed what the speaker was trying to convey about her upset and anxiety.

B2. Level 2 - The listener ignored the speaker. The listener may have been trying to distract the speaker with a pizza, but probably left the impression he or she simply wasn't interested in the problem.

B3. Level 2-3 - This is a good response, maybe even a level 3 if the listener is accurately pinpointing the speaker's fear. This response is good because it closes the distance between the speaker and listener and invites deeper involvement.

Remember there are few perfectly empathic responses. Most of us should aim for a level 2. Much of the time, when you are empathic, you'll see that in the speaker's response. Like playing tennis, when you hit the empathy ball over the net, watch for the return ball to see if you were on or off the target.